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Travelling around Oz |
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| I then spent 4 months in Victoria, most of which was occupied with drinking large amounts of Alcohol and chatting up Ozzy women. | |
My house in Melbourne |
I spent 3 months living in a shared household in Richmond, Melbourne whilst working full time for Shell in the city. It was a nice gaff and I had many a laugh. It was however, a complete madhouse. In 3 months of living in the house, by the time I had moved out there was a completely different bunch of people living in the house than when I moved in. I only met one of the household memebrs when I decided to move in, but it was a decent looking pad and had a drum kit in the kitchen. As I like playing the drums, I basically wouldn't leave the place until the guy said I could move in. |
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I moved my stuff in the same evening, and met one of the other house members - Shannon. This guy was completely off his tits the whole time, managed to hold down a job for no longer than a week, blagged money (and loads of other stuff) from everyone in the house, and was a heroin addict. He claimed to be an expert surfer, and would go off every so often to "catch some surf dude". I was not very impressed with this chap and started to think I had made a bad decision moving in. The following day, I met the other house member - Jack. This guy was very well connected in Melbourne, and knew his tunes. He was a rather in your face character who ran his own music magazine. Through Jack, I met loads of sound people. He used to blag his way into all the bars and clubs in Melbourne, and even sort out free drink cards. Through these contacts I managed to meet people like Bentley Rhythm Ace and Giles Peterson. However Jack turned out to be a compulsive liar. He lied about literally every aspect of his life. Even after living in the same house with him for 2 months, I didn't actually have a clue who he was, I wasn't even sure if his name was Jack. He would organise gigs, fly bands in from Sydney, hire out large venues, just on bullshit. He wouldn't pay the bands, and we would have their agents phoning up the house demanding money. For two months I had to effectively play these characters off against each other in order to remain sane. Luckily the other member of the house, Scott was sound as a pound. |
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There came a point when we were really pissed off with Shannon, coz he didn't pay his rent, and we had to pay it for him (or we would get evicted), plus he had eaten all my food. Now I should warn you that I am not particularly proud of the actions that followed, but I was in a bad mood at the time, and needed some kind of relief. Whilst I was standing in the kitchen cussing and swearing about the present situation, Jack reached into Shannon's cupboard, grabbed his bottle of olive oil, removed the lid, coughed up a large greeny and laid it in it - it didn't quite sink to the bottom, but lurked hauntingly in the middle. Not to be outdone, I sprayed some "no more tobacco smells" aerosol in his potato whip. We then proceeded to get a bit carried away:
These things sound like a really bad thing to do, and they were, but believe me, if you knew what Shannon was like you would have shaken my hand. Then Scott came home, and we warned him what we had done. We then waited for the arrival of Shannon. Almost like a dream, Shannon stumbled in, went straight into the kitchen, proceeded to fry his sausages in the olive oil. He then put the sausages in a sandwich and poured chilli sauce on the sandwich. He then got some weed from his room, loaded up his bong and went into the living room to smoke his bong and eat his sandwich. At this point I was almost dying with laughter, and had to go for a walk around the block (I couldn't risk him clocking us). |
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| Shannon had an interesting hydroponic setup in his bedroom (a wardrobe containing a 6ft skunk plant, some bright lights and loads of tubes). One day, he came home to find that it had been stolen. He completely lost the plot, started smashing up the house, and blaming us for the theft. A big whodunnit mystery then kept us occupied for a few days. I knew it was Jack who stole the plant, but I couldn't prove it. | |
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One night, I got woken about 3am, first by some banging and clattering, and second by some more banging and clattering accompanied by flashing lights. I got up to see what was going on and answered the front door to 2 blinding torchlights who interrogated me on my doorstep. They said that someone had got a cab back to the house half an hour earlier, refused to pay the fair, and then threw beer bottles at the cab. It wasn't hard to guess who was behind this incident. I directed the 2 flashlights to Shannon's bedroom door and 2 policemen came into the house, burst into the sleeping Shannon's room and escorted him outside. I went back to bed. I got awoken again later on by Shannon pleading with me to give him some money to pay the fair or else he would have to spend the night in jail, and would get sacked for not turning up for work the next day. I had no sympathy for him, but gave him the money anyway coz I wanted to get some kip. |
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We were all very happy when Shannon moved out, and managed to find a chilled out replacement. We then had to get rid of Jack. He had persuaded us to give him cash, to pay for some VIP tickets for the Australian Grand Prix (he claimed his dad, a supposed millionaire, was organising one of the races). After much bullshitting, these tickets failed to materialise and we were out of pocket. Some of Scotts mates had taken time off work to come to Melbourne and were not too happy. We adopted a counter-bullshit strategy of our own. One such blag was when we knew Jack was listening in on our conversation and Scott started off a blag about one his hardnut mates from his home town: He described a bar brawl, in which some ridiculously hard best mate of his called Beef-chin, got in a argument with someone, and ended up beating up the entire pub, pausing half-way through to finish his pint. Scott also added that this guy owed him a few favours and would start on anyone who stitched Scott up. He described another fictitious situation where, another one of Beef-chin's mates got ripped off by a bike gang, and beef-chin set upon the gang with a bike chain and a sledge hammer. Jack belived every word of it and was quaking in his boots. The way we got rid of Jack was sweet and simple, he would spend all day every day on the phone bullshitting people, while the rest of us worked. We unscrewed the, phone socket from the wall, disconnected a wire and re-attached the cover in a manner where it could easily be removed. We then told Jack the phone had been disconnected. Within 2 days, he had moved out. |
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| Over the next couple of weeks, the house was transformed completely, we got a girl, Celine, to move in, who brought loads of nice furniture with her, and spent an entire weekend on her hands and knees cleaning the place up. We all did our bit, and it felt like we were living in a different house. My last few weeks in the house were absolute bliss. I ended up sleeping with Celine a couple of times which was also very nice. | |
| Good things about Melbourne are: | Friendly people, good pubs/clubs, nice restaurants, it's well chilled out, people are fairly clued up about music, lots of fit birds who are easily impressed by an English accent, it has the Grand Prix every year, it's cheap to live. |
| The bad things about Melbourne are: | The weather is a bit dodgy, no good beaches (although if you drive for a couple of hours, you'll find some excellent ones). |
Some 'chicks' I met at the Grand Prix |
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Australian Beer 
As you may have gathered, Ozzy's are very fond of there beer. Key requirements are:
1. It must be cold
2. It must taste like piss
Actually, it's not that bad. Australians constantly hang shit on us poms for drinking 'warm beer'. My attempts to explain the difference between bitter and lager have proved futile.
Imported European brews are fairly expensive. The finest beers you can get are the Tasmanian brews - James Boag's and Cascade.
I was surprised to find that nobody in Australia drinks Fosters, and XXXX is only drank in Queensland (which is full of rednecks). Victoria Bitter (VB), Carlton Cold and Tooheys seem to be the most popular.
The East Coast
I flew into Sydney towards the end of summer, so I'd missed most of the nice weather. I stayed at a backpackers called Indy's in Bondi Beach for a couple of weeks and then buggered off up the East Coast where the weather is warmer. (more about Sydney later)
| Byron Bay |
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Here I spent my days playing guitar, toking, chilling on the beach, surfing, snorkelling, and fishing. And I spent my evenings eating, drinking, toking, and playing guitar. I thoroughly recommend the pie shop opposite the Northern Hotel, it is likely that any backpacker that has been to Byron Bay has vistited this establishment.
My Alf Stewart impression
A shite fish I managed to catch
In a nutshell, Byron Bay is well pukka. I stayed at a place called the bunkhouse which was well chilled.
Nimbin
Quite possibly one of the strangest places I've ever been. It is Australia's weed capital and is inhabited by mashed up hippies who wander around all day completely off their tits. It consists of a single street in the middle of nowhere surrounded by countryside.
I happened to go there when the Mardi Grass festival was on, where mash heads come from all around to celebrate smoking weed. Highlights of the festival include the bong throwing contest, and the spliff rolling competition.
Pros. - Weed is cheap, there's loads of it available, and you can buy excellent cookies. It is surrounded by some beautiful countryside.
Cons. - The place is a complete shithole and it is occupied by freaks of nature who use being a hippy as an excuse to hide away from the world and mash themselves up. 2 hours in this town is enough for the average traveller.
Surfers Paradise
The Australian equivalent of Magalluf in Majorca. High rise buildings now dominate what used to be a beautiful golden coastline. Everyday, the sun disappeared behind the buildings at around 2pm thus casting a shadow over the beach.
Surfers paradise is a favourite holiday destination of the Japanese, and if you were to go there around peak season (christmas time) you can expect to see loads of the buggers. It was not the peak season when I was there, although the weather was still nice.
Lots of meat markets in town. Good for a cheesy pissup, but not too good for a chilled night. There is a really long beach which resembles the one out of baywatch. Loadsa totty wandering around, people roller blading etc.
Brisbane
A fairly average kind of place. More of a large country town than a city. Lots of inbreds wandering about. The most popular haircut donned in this town is the mullet (short ontop, long at the back).
I stayed at the Palace backpackers is good for a pissup. It is situated above a place called the down under bar,which is frequented by drunken students and backpackers. Beer is cheap and cheerful. You cannot fail to pick up here.
Noosa
A very pleasant coastal town. If you're into surfing this is the last place along the coast where there are good waves, coz after that the barrier reefs kicks in and the waves break off the shore. There is a national park where you can see wild Koala bears if you're lucky (although I wandered around this place for 2 bloody hours and I didn't see a single one of the fluffy little cunts). I stayed at the Koala backpackers, which had a nice pool, a volleyball court and a lively bar (watch out for bed bugs though).
Hervey Bay
Another pleasant coastal town. From here you can do a 4x4 trip to Fraser Island. Whilst here I decided to camp coz I was travelling with a couple of Irish lads from Belfast who had a VW Combi van complete with full camping gear.
Fraser Island
Absolutely pukka. 9 of us hired a Toyota Land Cruiser, and drove around this massive sand Island for a few days, whilst drinking lots of Victoria Bitter and smoking lots of bongs.
If you're planning to go to Fraser Island, don't book in advance, otherwise you might end up with shite weather and a group of chumps. It's better to get to Hervey bay first, and wait until the weather is nice before going.
Lake Mackenzie (left), 70 Mile beach (right).
Bundaberg
This place is a shithole, avoid at all costs. I stayed there for about 3 hours.
Airlie Beach
Fan-bloody-tastic. I stayed at a place called Reefos just outside of town where they have $7 rooms with free breakfast (about £3/night).Well chilled, loadsa safe people everywhere, and the town itself is excellent for a pissup.
The Whitsundays
Fan-pukka-tastic. Sailed around on a luvely red boat called Siska for 3 days. Excellent weather, excellent people, one of the highlights of the East coast.
Not as shit as Bundaberg but still fairly cack. I had lunch there and decided that was enough.
There is an island next to Townsville called Magnetic Island which is supposed to be Ok. I didn't make it there.
Mission Beach
The most chilled out spot I visited along the whole East Coast. stayed at a mellow hippyish place called the Treehouse.
Cairns
V.hot. Lively place, lots of good places to go for a beer. Excellent trips out to the barrier reef.
I stayed at a place called U2 backpackers which is fairly average (and full of drunken Australian ex-convict types), and then a place called the International backpackers in the centre of town, where they was loads of totty. I got accosted by a Canadian bird there on my last night which was a fairly bizarre and amusing experience.
Sydney
When I arrived in Sydney, it was the middle of the winter, and I was suprised to find that it actually gets cold in Australia. In fact, after Cairns, I was bloody freezing. However, I managed to acquire myself a rather nice leather jacket for $100 (about 40 quid) through some dodgy porn shop. I planned to stick around in Sydney for while to find work (coz cash was running out), which meant also finding a place to live which proved to be a fucking nightmare. Sydney is largely populated by people who are 'On the other bus', 'batting for the other team', 'gardening uphill' etc
Caution: If you looking for a pad in Sydney, if it says broadminded in the advert in the paper, it means gay. I found this out the hard way.
After about a month, I finally found myself a decent pad and a decent job. A decent girlfriend soon followed when I started seeing the beautiful Lucie.
There's lots of stuff going on in Sydney, although I didn't find it as welcoming as Melbourne (which is more friendlier). Sydney is also very sleazy. It's Australia's largest city, it has most of the job opportunities and is set in a very beautiful area. Out of all the areas of Sydney, I reckon Manly is the nicest and would recommend any backpacker to head straight there.
I worked in North Sydney for a company called SERCo. It was company policy to waste ridiculous amounts of cash on drinks, parties, meals etc. I was on a contract so I could work when the smeg I want. On a normal day, I woke up around 9am, chilled into work, and sort out some computer systems. About once a week they have a company pissup, where one of the top bosses sticks his Company credit card behind the bar, and I indulge in the flashest booze I can think of.
After about 4 months in Sydney, the time came to move on. I said my farewells, packed my rucksack, and once again, I was travelling.
The Snowy mountains
Believe it or not, they actually have snow in Autralia as well. The company paid for everyone to head of the mountains for a weekend to get pissed up and do some skiing. Coz my knee's shagged at the moment, I couldn't do any skiing, but I managed to sort out plenty of drinking (and even a bit of toboggoning). Conditions are nothing compared to the Alps, but considering it's Australia, you can't really complain.
The Blue mountains
Just outside of Sydney .. very pleasant
Adelaide
Adelaide produces Australia's finest wine and ganja, plus it has some good restaurants and some chilled out residents.
It is pleasant, but a bit boring. I stayed at a backpackers called Adelaide City Backpackers which was homely and I got looked after well. Unfortuntately it was full of Japs whose English was fairly pony.
If you meet the right people then it's great for herb, they're well into their hydroponic techniques, plus the Police don't really give a shit.
I was working there for a week for Great Southern Railways (who kindly payed for my flight from Sydney to Adelaide), and through them, I blagged a ticket on the Ghan up to Alice Springs.
Alice Springs
Literally, in the middle of nowhere, gets well hot and is full of rednecks and aboriginals. The abo's spend their days relaxing on street corners, and chilling in parks whilst waiting for the pub to open.
I stayed at Melanka backpackers which is the most lively in Alice Springs. It's got a bar and club thing with loadsa people staying there. There's actually a lot of work there as well because not a lot of people think to go to Alice Springs, other than to move on to Ayers rock etc.
I hooked up with a girl who was driving to Perth to split petrol costs etc. It was after this I realised she was driving to Perth through the middle of the desert on unsealed roads in a clapped out '76 Toyota Corona. Oh dear!! (See below). This turned out to be undoubtledy the most amazing experience of my time in Oz.
Kings Canyon
After driving through the West MacDonnell ranges, we did a tour around Kings Canyon. Well impressive.
Ayers Rock (Uluru)
A big red rock. I climbed it in the middle of the day (when you're advised not to). I totally overheated and shat myself (not literally). When I got to the top I drank loadsa water, recouperated, and came straight back down.
Apparently a couple of people a year kick the bucket whilst climbing Ayers Rock, and that doesn't surprise me at all.
Olgas
A collection of big
red rocks. Very scenic.
The Great Victorian Desert
| After Ayers rock we set off on our perilous journey through the desert and Aboriginal land. It was a fantastic experience with nothing but red, flat, barren landscape. We drove coninuously for a 3 days along nothing but dirt track before we reached bitumen road. During this time we came across 3 roadhouses (which also served as general stores for the aboriginal communities). We had to run our car on aeroplane fuel coz they didn't sell leaded petrol (apparently the abo kids sniff it). |  |
A week after leaving Alice Springs, we arrived in Perth.
Perth
My last port of call before returning to Blighty. Perth is an excellent place. I stayed at Redbackpackers on Newscastle street which was a fantastic laugh. There I met loadsa people and mashed it up around the South West of Oz for a month.
Perth has great weather, nice beaches and loads of decent pubs to go out in etc.
It's the most English place I visited, populated by loads of ex-pats. As a result of this, the local football team Perth Glory is very popular. Soccer, as the ozzy's call it isn't popular down under and is mainly played by Eastern Europeans. Every week Perth Glory gets about 18,000 at their matches, about 4 times that of any other club. The atmosphere is wicked, everyone gets the beers in and gives it the large. The quality of football however, is pants.
I also had the pleasure of hooking up with Englands barmy army for the Ashes tour, and saw England get all out for 112 at the Perth WACA.
The South west of Australia is beautiful, well chilled and undeveloped. It has some of the best surf in Australia, especially around Margaret River.