Stannus checks his Cypriot roots

a.rough.guide.to.the.island.of.love compiled from the travels of Nick Christou

Cyprus is the birthplace of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and home of one of the oldest cultures in the world today. It's an amazingly small place, with a populous of no more than 900,000 and whispers travel so fast what you do in one place echoes around the island faster than you would think possible.

The English, although not respected, are treated with open arms, and all the time the currency flows from your leather pouch, you will be greeted with a smile. For a Cypriot visitor from another country, you are a traitor who has evaded your national service and abandoned your country, leaving it subject to attach from other middle eastern territories, namely Turkey. Believe me, they are very resentful of their own born away.

The English tourists are named "kriokolos", literally "cold arse", and are seen as an entity to relieve of finances, and walk through the tourist areas and back out of the country with as little fuss as possible. Oh and watch out for the bastard Cypriots that don't speak English. They pretend to know nothing. Crap, they all speak perfect English here, even if they'd have you believe differently.

The sun beats down so intensely from dawn until 7 or 8 at night, and no matter how tough or dark you think you are, wear some lotion or you will be burned to shit. Even though it doesn't feel that intense, the damaging UVA and B rays are more powerful than you would imagine. Don't forget also that a sun bed tan whilst providing some colour doesn't protect you from the sun like a real tan would.

The illusion I had of healthy eating and returning two stone lighter has been shattered into a million pieces by copious amounts of fried meats, full fat cheeses, crisps, beer and of course, homely and comforting McDonalds. Forget the myth of a Mediterranean healthy lifestyle, these people fry everything in copious amounts of oils and the salads are laced with oil, vinegar and full fat Feta cheese.

The Cypriot community as a whole have no concept of traffic signals, lane discipline and general road safety. The roads and signs are pleasingly identical in construction and layout as those in the UK today. Unfortunately, the locals completely ignore traffic signals, running through red lights if they feel the road is clear, wandering lanes without indicating, driving in the middle of the road in foggy conditions and changing lanes or exiting a dual carriageway without prior indication.

If you hire a car, make sure you rinse the shit out of it and always remember that it isn't your car. Go to a reputable hire shop, avoiding these "cheap" shops that have hidden extras and huge excesses on an insurance claim. When driving on the motorway, keep it just under 120 and your fine. In 80 limits stick to 85-90 KM/H. The fining policy of the police is one Cyprus pound for every KM/H you are over the speed limit. My fine was 35 pounds.

The hire cars have bold red number plates and the registration identification always starts with a Z. This makes it a simple job for the police to single out tourists from the other vehicles. As a general rule, foreign tourists are blessed with slightly slacker rules, so claim ignorance at every opportunity. Once again of course if you have a Cypriot name and foreign paperwork they will throw the book (and most of the bookshelf) at you.

Available, but not widespread and not cheap. Limassol and Paphos are the main ports that substances arrive at. Most of the weed is from Greece, with some skunk coming from Holland. In Agia Napa you can find mostly anything you want, as with Limassol. As a rough guide, you can expect to pay somewhere around the amounts as laid out in the table below. Be aware that it is illegal, and the laws extend a little further than they do in other countries. You can expect to go to jail for possession of Ecstasy, and possibly even for Cannabis too. Sometimes it's an option to pay your way out, perhaps two or three thousand Cyprus pounds to the Cypriot Government. It's generally not worth it unless you know somebody who is safe to purchase from and you buy enough just for yourself.

Be very careful here as the Cypriots will sell you anything from drain cleaner to the stuff they use to clean graffiti from subway walls. Ask for Southern Comfort, Vodka or Brandy and you'll be sold some nasty liqueur, distilled in Cyprus by one of the so called local breweries. Instead always ask for Imported Spirits, and if they taste bad (they filled the Smirnoff bottle with Windolene) ask for MiniaDora, they are miniature bottles of whisky and vodka, mainly Absolute and Grants, which cannot be tampered with. Drink cocktails and the other local spirits and you'll save some money but you'll wake up the next day with the most almighty headache, coupled with the most intense diorreah known to man.

KEO is the local beer, cheap and nasty to boot. Stick to Carslberg, it's cheaper than the other beers because it's brewed in Cyprus, and it's not bad tasting either. Get bottles if you can, the draught lagers suffer from the heat and tend not to taste so good.

Birthplace of the goddess of love, this town is beautiful and the pace of life here is slow. If you were born in Paphos and attended school there you are labeled in a similar way to the Welsh in England or the New Zealanders in Australia. You are of lesser intelligence, in some cases a village idiot. This however is not the case; the people of Paphos are extremely kind and generous people, who simply enjoy a more relaxed pace of life.

Paphos has slightly more bearable weather than Limassol or Larnaka, especially up in the mountains in places like Tala and Empa. The humidity in Kato Paphos, which is the main tourist area and where the beaches are, is almost unbearable some nights. Nasty sticky clammy atmospheric conditions ensure a layer of slime is applied to your body at all times! Air-conditioned premises offer temporary shelter from the exhausting conditions.

There is one main street of nightlife, which is similar to other tourist resorts, but more advanced in design. The populous is made up of young couples and old couples with little in between. A lot of the older generations retire to Paphos, buying accommodation in the mountains. The younger couples come for a quiet, relaxing holiday, but still with a kick to it if they want. The Cypriots attend a big open air club on the beach, which is nicely laid out with the main bar in the middle of the dance floor, but is an acquired cultural taste, as they play predominately Greek music.

The main beach in town (by McDonalds) is fairly average really, nothing that special and doesn't have very many visitors, but a drive to Corel Bay (on the way to Polis) is well worth it. It's a quiet sandy bay, and the water is crystal clear.

COREL BAY BEACH - PAPHOS

Limassol is absolutely huge in comparison with the other, smaller towns and villages. In fact, it seems that it even outsizes the capital, Nicosia. The first thing you seem to notice, when arriving at Limassol are the two massive waterparks, one of them sits just to the side of the Motorway. The tourist area is huge, and crammed full of open air bars throbbing with English club music and a whole alliance of clubs scattered around between the bars.

There is a huge car park, large enough no doubt to fit most of the cars on the island, situated right next to a funfair, which to be honest looks under maintained and a little hazardous. Most of the clubs in this town are comparatively small relative to English clubs, but they are quite well laid out, and you'll pretty quickly find somewhere phat where you can large it until around 5am.

The main beach is a mixture of stones and sand and isn't unpleasant, however the water does the beach no flavors. It's a green and murky colour, polluted with seaweed, which although not unclean is a bit off-putting as you wade through the water, not knowing exactly what is brushing the sides of your legs.

Plenty of shops to choose from, with all the usual major ones like Marks and Spencer, Woolworth and so on.

In the non-tourist areas you find a mixture of restaurants and trendy bars, with of course the Cypriot clubs, which in general don't appeal to the European audiences. The Cypriots don't seem to have grasped the essence of club life and their attempts at clubs often seem to fail in my eyes, too small, no real DJ atmosphere as random CDs are played, without any kind of beat synchronization between tunes. Strobe lights seem to just set off at random intervals without rhythm or warning and the lighting is often dull and murky.

Nighttime can be extremely unpleasant as the humidity rises to levels where even if you can sleep, you are guaranteed to wake up a few hours later lying in a residue of your own bodily excretions. The bed is soaked through with sweat, and for some urine too, if through intoxication, you by lost control of your abdominal muscles!

Larnaca is a clean and attractive town, aesthetically as pleasing as Paphos. There is a long promenade that runs alongside the seafront, with exotic trees bordering the left and right hand sides. At one end is the harbor with a set of rocks separating it from the seafront and the golden sand sea front runs for at least a kilometer, with scores of bars and restaurants running in parallel with it. There is of course all the usual culinary delights you'd expect in a tourist area, McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Express, great places to sit and hide from the blistering heat, that absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are cooked, fried and dehydrated.

LARNACA BEACH FRONT

A drive along the sea front will eventually bring you to a long gravel track road, again running along the sea front and so badly constructed you daren't drive faster than 20 KM/H for fear of your car falling to bits. You'll reach Ladies Mile beach, or at least you think you have, ignore the first restaurant you see, the beach here is shite and full of harsh stones, keep driving until you think you've reached the end. The beach is golden sand, clear water and there is a great open air taverna where you can eat and drink some really greasy foods and disgusting Cypriot distilled spirits. Stick to the Carlsberg or the imported spirits, they are worth paying a little extra for..

The night life seems very similar to that of Limassol as does the weather. Surprisingly Larnaca seems to suffer from attacks of fog, as do the other coastal towns, but here it is much worse. Some attacks of fog left the visibility so low at night you could barely see a meter in front of you, really handy when your hammered and trying to navigate your drunken arse home.

Nice. This place is absolutely buzzing 24 hours a day. Slightly disappointing in size, Agia Napa is a small village, and I was surprised to find you could walk a circle of the whole place in about 20 minutes. The Cypriots despise it and the Cypriot government hold two conflicting views on the situation. Firstly it is a playground for troublesome tourists to bring drugs, violence and disease into the Island, with the second view being more financially based on the fact that so much money has been invested by third parties, it is impossible for them to put a stop to it. Hundreds of club owners and offshore investors would revolt against such action, so the clubland they call Agia Napa is here to stay for the foreseeable future.

The media have created a completely false image of Agia Napa, which is still a predominately family orientated holiday. The huge booming UK Garage scene which is thrust upon us with endless and misspelt "Ayia Napa" CDs, marketing ploys and over enthusiastic radio DJs is completely nonexistent. There are only a couple of clubs that cater for Garage, one the biggest known as Pzazz which welcomed the Dream Team and Radio 1, but the rest of the week played R&B and Soul. Like anywhere else you care to venture to on this planet, if you don't like techno/house and pop your shit out of luck.

The main beach is a thin strip, similar to Ibiza and crammed full of sunbeds. Forget finding somewhere to relax here, instead take a trip just a kilometer or so out of the main village center to Nisi Beach (below). A dream of golden sand, water you can walk waist deep in for miles and an island about 200 meters out that you can wade your way to and fuck about on. Every water and air sport you could imagine from being dragged along the water on a rubber sausage to being pulled through the air on a parachute attached to a speedboat, finished with some great beachside bars and cafes make this beach the diamond in the rock of Cyprus. Missing this would be a very foolish maneuver.

NISI BEACH - AGIA NAPA

The main square at the top of Agia Napa's main street is an incredible site. You won't often see so many people crammed into such a ridiculously small space, and navigating the area brought back memories of trying to get home from Notting Hill Carnival. There are many pubs, one of the best ones being Volcano Bar. Some of the pubs have a rooftop bar also, which is nice, you can see across the whole square and watch the drunken tourists falling over, fighting and being sick. This mostly closes by 1:30-2am and the square seems to almost instantaneously empty as people make their way either home or to one of the clubs.

Pzazz is the biggest club by far, but you will queue for an eternity most nights to get in. Much more fun can be had closer to the main square where all the pubs reside. You'll find KOOL club (below) just away from the village square, which is well laid out and plays some good tunes, although the old skool set we were promised turned out to be a couple of Prodigy tunes randomly thrown in amongst the hard house the DJ was playing. Usual thing you'd expect abroad.

KOOL CLUB - AGIA NAPA

The Castle has two rooms and is wickedly laid out, but the stages up high on the ceiling are a health risk, jump too high and you might fall, killing the people below you and probably mashing yourself in the process. Again techno/hard house and a chill out area outside between the two rooms.

THE CASTLE - AGIA NAPA

Black and White I suggest you avoid like the plague. It's really expensive, has nothing but R&B and is dark and dirty inside.

Disco Bar. This one appeared to have no name, and was located just up the hill off one of the streets from the square. Inside it was small but a great night was to be had, three times in a row. All house with some drum and bass thrown in for good measure. Fish tanks filled with sea life provide something for the ravers to stare at if the dancing all gets a bit too much.

There are about 10 other clubs to go and play around in, including GAS amongst others. Just take a stroll, with plenty of cash and see what happens. If by the end of the night you still haven't had enough - and are a glutten for punishment you will find an after club located near McDonalds on the main road out of the square. It opens at 4am and goes on for as long as you can.

The church at the top of the square serves three main purposes. (1) The disposal of dead people, (2) Somewhere to sit whilst eating the burger/kebab you just purchased and (3) a convenient toilet. Fast food is more than readily available, but have a look where your buying it from and if it's meat take a look at it before you eat it. They will sell you any shite if you look like you'll consume it.

Also watch the spellings of DJ's names on the flyers and advertisement boards, you may be disappointed to find out that Paul Okenfuld is a hairy Greek bloke playing a collection of Ultimate Hits CDs

You cannot escape the heat in the daytime. The sun is unbelievably hot, with temperatures in direct sunlight up to 50 degrees centigrade. The water is hot, the wind is hot, the seats by the pool are so hot you can't sit on them. However by night Nicosia is by far the nicest place to be, cool and with little humidity unlike it's sea fronted allies.

For a city, through the eyes of a tourist, it's not very impressive. There is night life, but it's scattered across a wide space and if you don't know anyone who is "in on the scene" you like then your going to find it very boring. Mainly the town seems to cater for old men, who go out late at night whilst their wives sleep, sit in bars on their own and pay for the company of a Russian or Romanian girl, who perhaps could be persuaded to provide some "after hours" entertainment, for a price of course. These "special" bars are dingy, dirty and seedy and the decor inside has to be seen to be believed. Weird themes and bad lighting coupled with little or no ventilation make these places rank high on my list of most unpleasant venues. Places to avoid include New Melody Pub, Negros Pub and Jockey Pub.

Whilst there are not many European style clubs and pubs, you will find an emerging youth pioneering the cities rave scene if you look for it. Engomi is a great place to start with a whole selection of pretty good pubs jammed full of people in their 20s. The streets are littered with sports cars which have been phattened up with big, loud exhausts and oversized wheels, whilst their owners drive around making as much noise as possible. The clubs here are unfortunately for under 20s, but the bars stay open until 4am. Reckless Bar is a good place to start.

More centrally in Nicosia we found a hard techno club, it was an amazing night, but unfortunately the name completely eludes me. I dropped and wasted several vodka and orange drinks that night and found it hard to remember who and where I was, let alone the name and location of the club.

A RANDOM TOKER I MET IN NICOSIA

Of course being mainland there are no beaches, but there are handfuls of pools with bars, where you can relax, swim, fuck about on the slides and of course drink. £60 CYP in two hours on Vodka and Redbull between two of us has to be worth some respect. Pool Exotica was the most lenient and relaxed pool, with little or no rules of conduct!

Governor's Beach - Naff and has a Power Station stuck on the edge of it.